By Lorenzo Porricelli
“Vito, check the heat shroud regulators, don’t want to burn up.”
“You worry too much, Marge, they’re working fine.”
“Tell that to the Robinsons. Phhht. And they were ashes.”
“Milt Robinson bought a fixer-upper but didn’t do any fixing.”
“I didn’t want to come here,” said Marge.
“Marge, it’s the cheapest place to retire to in the universe.”
“That’s because life isn’t worth a plugged nose here on Altair 8.”
“You can’t get a stuffed nose here, darling.”
“I know, I know," said Marge, "The atmospheric pressure.”
“Perfect blood pressure and pulse,” said Vito.
“I miss blowing my nose,” said Marge.
“Look at the view from the Lazy Boy,” said Vito.
“I’m tired of watching meteor showers and old satellites burn up.”
“You have a ton of great shows on that intergalactic entertainment center," said Vito.
“You think that “Dancing on the Asteroids” is worth watching?”
You been complaining since we got here,” said Vito.
“We made a mistake. I want to go home.”
“Where to?” said Vito, “We lived on twenty-two planets, sixteen moons, and two meteors.”
“Interplanetary gypsies,” said Marge, “but I always liked Io best.”
“The Jupiter moon? I thought you liked those rings in Saturn.”
“You liked the rings,” said Marge, “they were too fast for me.”
“That was so long ago. We can quantum jump anywhere and start looking around. Maybe we’re too far out.”
“It is Sector 47, dear,” said Marge, “Portworld is the nearest place for any culture. And that’s a good jump.”
“There’s so many weirdos out there,” said Vito, “It’s got to be a safe place.”
“Yes dear, you can figure out where that is,” said Marge, “but close to similar life forms this time. I’m tired of waiting for a neighbor to borrow something.”
“Aren’t Barney and Princess Zygzoidia coming over for dinner?” said Vito.
If they don’t have trouble again Googling themselves over from Altair 6,” said Marge, “you know that line is always crammed during rush hour.
“How will we know?” said Vito.
“If they’re suddenly sitting in your lap, they’re here,” said Marge.
“Yes, they do like laps.”
“That Zygzoidia clan are all part some strange canine mix,” said Marge, “don’t you notice they bark a lot?”
“Why couldn’t they be like collies,” said Vito, “and just sit on the floor?”
“I always feel like growling when I disagree with the wife” said Marge.
“And when her husband asks to use the bathroom,” said Vito, “I make sure he doesn’t lift a leg on the furniture.”
“And my god, I always have to vacuum up after them, they shed all over the place.”
“Let’s call them and cancel,” said Vito.
“No. I do enjoy talking with them,” said Marge, “as they always know the latest in the galaxy.”
“I guess you’re right,” said Vito, “Barney did give me the early tip on dropping the Bene Geneserrit spice stock on Arrakis as Paul Atreidis had been devoured by one of those giant sandworms.”
“And Princess did give me a good shampoo,” said Marge, “Those basic items are so hard to find out here.”
“It stopped your itching, too, didn’t it?” said Vito. “Well look who’s here!”
“Both of you fit so well in the Lazy Boy!” said Marge.
"Let me stretch," said Barney, "that bandwidth is so tight these days.
“How about an appetizer?” said Vito. “Marge fixed some bones from those giant Altair rats and try her homemade kibble platter. Gusto grande!”
“Vito and I were thinking of moving,” said Marge. “What do you two think of that?”
“This is the perfect planet,” said Princess, “and we have been all over the universe.”
“But it’s so hot here. You can’t go outside. Ever. Or you’ll be dust in two seconds,” said Marge.
“We have four suns,” said Barney, “and that makes it an endless summer.”
“Look out our port window,” said Vito, “What a sight tonight.”
“The Star Force is releasing fifty-five prisoners in a few minutes,” said Barney, “We can watch it from right here. You two have the best view in town.”
“You mean where they each get a star fighter and try to make their way past the Star Force?” said Vito, “I love that!”
“No one ever gets away,” said Princess, “It’s boring. Give me a good cat fight.”
“Are you kidding,” said Barney, “There’s more action than in a Viagra hot tub group.”
“I’d really love to have a Big Mac,” said Marge, “There’s none in this solar system.”
“Marge, why don’t we let the guys watch that,” said Princess, “and you and I take a quick Google over to the Oberon group, we can get our nails trimmed, and bring back some food.”
“Look at that, Vito!” said Marge. “That whole group of stars flashed and went out!”
“Omigod,” said Barney, “it’s a black hole!”
“It just devoured that whole Pleiades system,” said Vito.
“There goes my Big Mac,” said Marge.
“The show we’re watching,” said Barney, “is better than the fire witch in the court of the Crimson King.”
“What the heck are you talking about?” said Vito.
“I’m talking about working for a living,” said Barney, “not going down the pond and catching bluegills and tommycocks.”
“Shut up, Barney,” said Princess, “He always starts with the lines from “Jaws” or lousy songs whenever anything the least bit exciting happens.”
“Least bit exciting?” said Barney, “It’s eating our solar system right in front of us.”
“Barney,” shouted Vito, “put your leg down! That’s my Lazy Boy!”
“Can’t help it,” said Barney, “this is too damn good.”
“Princess, stop,” said Marge, “your scratching a hole in my Yululu carpet!”
“I’m so scared,” said Princess, “are we going to disappear in that hole?”
“I don’t care if we do,” said Marge, “but that carpet is made from living rock organisms and cost me plenty.”
“It just sucked two of our suns down!” said Vito, ‘there goes half the summer.”
We’re going to need a bigger boat,” said Barney.
“We’re next,” said Marge.
“It stopped!” said Princess, “It must be looking for more.”
“It’s just digesting,” said Vito.
“Holy Milky Way,” said Barney, “it just shot them all out again.”
“Must have not liked the taste,” said Marge, “I wonder what we taste like?”
“It wasn’t Lanoican chicken, thank our lucky stars,” said Vito, “or we’d be gone.”
“The four suns are back in place,” said Princess, “all’s right with the world.”
“Show’s over,” said Barney, “pass me that kibble.”
“These bones are delicious,” said Princess, “why aren’t you two eating?”
“My stomach is so upset,” said Marge, “but I can’t get a good burp up.”
“Me too,” said Vito, “but I can’t pass gas here on Altair 8 the way I used to.”
“Thank the heavens,” said Marge, “we’ll stay.”
“Vito, check the heat shroud regulators, don’t want to burn up.”
“You worry too much, Marge, they’re working fine.”
“Tell that to the Robinsons. Phhht. And they were ashes.”
“Milt Robinson bought a fixer-upper but didn’t do any fixing.”
“I didn’t want to come here,” said Marge.
“Marge, it’s the cheapest place to retire to in the universe.”
“That’s because life isn’t worth a plugged nose here on Altair 8.”
“You can’t get a stuffed nose here, darling.”
“I know, I know," said Marge, "The atmospheric pressure.”
“Perfect blood pressure and pulse,” said Vito.
“I miss blowing my nose,” said Marge.
“Look at the view from the Lazy Boy,” said Vito.
“I’m tired of watching meteor showers and old satellites burn up.”
“You have a ton of great shows on that intergalactic entertainment center," said Vito.
“You think that “Dancing on the Asteroids” is worth watching?”
You been complaining since we got here,” said Vito.
“We made a mistake. I want to go home.”
“Where to?” said Vito, “We lived on twenty-two planets, sixteen moons, and two meteors.”
“Interplanetary gypsies,” said Marge, “but I always liked Io best.”
“The Jupiter moon? I thought you liked those rings in Saturn.”
“You liked the rings,” said Marge, “they were too fast for me.”
“That was so long ago. We can quantum jump anywhere and start looking around. Maybe we’re too far out.”
“It is Sector 47, dear,” said Marge, “Portworld is the nearest place for any culture. And that’s a good jump.”
“There’s so many weirdos out there,” said Vito, “It’s got to be a safe place.”
“Yes dear, you can figure out where that is,” said Marge, “but close to similar life forms this time. I’m tired of waiting for a neighbor to borrow something.”
“Aren’t Barney and Princess Zygzoidia coming over for dinner?” said Vito.
If they don’t have trouble again Googling themselves over from Altair 6,” said Marge, “you know that line is always crammed during rush hour.
“How will we know?” said Vito.
“If they’re suddenly sitting in your lap, they’re here,” said Marge.
“Yes, they do like laps.”
“That Zygzoidia clan are all part some strange canine mix,” said Marge, “don’t you notice they bark a lot?”
“Why couldn’t they be like collies,” said Vito, “and just sit on the floor?”
“I always feel like growling when I disagree with the wife” said Marge.
“And when her husband asks to use the bathroom,” said Vito, “I make sure he doesn’t lift a leg on the furniture.”
“And my god, I always have to vacuum up after them, they shed all over the place.”
“Let’s call them and cancel,” said Vito.
“No. I do enjoy talking with them,” said Marge, “as they always know the latest in the galaxy.”
“I guess you’re right,” said Vito, “Barney did give me the early tip on dropping the Bene Geneserrit spice stock on Arrakis as Paul Atreidis had been devoured by one of those giant sandworms.”
“And Princess did give me a good shampoo,” said Marge, “Those basic items are so hard to find out here.”
“It stopped your itching, too, didn’t it?” said Vito. “Well look who’s here!”
“Both of you fit so well in the Lazy Boy!” said Marge.
"Let me stretch," said Barney, "that bandwidth is so tight these days.
“How about an appetizer?” said Vito. “Marge fixed some bones from those giant Altair rats and try her homemade kibble platter. Gusto grande!”
“Vito and I were thinking of moving,” said Marge. “What do you two think of that?”
“This is the perfect planet,” said Princess, “and we have been all over the universe.”
“But it’s so hot here. You can’t go outside. Ever. Or you’ll be dust in two seconds,” said Marge.
“We have four suns,” said Barney, “and that makes it an endless summer.”
“Look out our port window,” said Vito, “What a sight tonight.”
“The Star Force is releasing fifty-five prisoners in a few minutes,” said Barney, “We can watch it from right here. You two have the best view in town.”
“You mean where they each get a star fighter and try to make their way past the Star Force?” said Vito, “I love that!”
“No one ever gets away,” said Princess, “It’s boring. Give me a good cat fight.”
“Are you kidding,” said Barney, “There’s more action than in a Viagra hot tub group.”
“I’d really love to have a Big Mac,” said Marge, “There’s none in this solar system.”
“Marge, why don’t we let the guys watch that,” said Princess, “and you and I take a quick Google over to the Oberon group, we can get our nails trimmed, and bring back some food.”
“Look at that, Vito!” said Marge. “That whole group of stars flashed and went out!”
“Omigod,” said Barney, “it’s a black hole!”
“It just devoured that whole Pleiades system,” said Vito.
“There goes my Big Mac,” said Marge.
“The show we’re watching,” said Barney, “is better than the fire witch in the court of the Crimson King.”
“What the heck are you talking about?” said Vito.
“I’m talking about working for a living,” said Barney, “not going down the pond and catching bluegills and tommycocks.”
“Shut up, Barney,” said Princess, “He always starts with the lines from “Jaws” or lousy songs whenever anything the least bit exciting happens.”
“Least bit exciting?” said Barney, “It’s eating our solar system right in front of us.”
“Barney,” shouted Vito, “put your leg down! That’s my Lazy Boy!”
“Can’t help it,” said Barney, “this is too damn good.”
“Princess, stop,” said Marge, “your scratching a hole in my Yululu carpet!”
“I’m so scared,” said Princess, “are we going to disappear in that hole?”
“I don’t care if we do,” said Marge, “but that carpet is made from living rock organisms and cost me plenty.”
“It just sucked two of our suns down!” said Vito, ‘there goes half the summer.”
We’re going to need a bigger boat,” said Barney.
“We’re next,” said Marge.
“It stopped!” said Princess, “It must be looking for more.”
“It’s just digesting,” said Vito.
“Holy Milky Way,” said Barney, “it just shot them all out again.”
“Must have not liked the taste,” said Marge, “I wonder what we taste like?”
“It wasn’t Lanoican chicken, thank our lucky stars,” said Vito, “or we’d be gone.”
“The four suns are back in place,” said Princess, “all’s right with the world.”
“Show’s over,” said Barney, “pass me that kibble.”
“These bones are delicious,” said Princess, “why aren’t you two eating?”
“My stomach is so upset,” said Marge, “but I can’t get a good burp up.”
“Me too,” said Vito, “but I can’t pass gas here on Altair 8 the way I used to.”
“Thank the heavens,” said Marge, “we’ll stay.”